| I want to live my next life backwards |
Jan 9, 2007 12:46 am
823 Views | I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case. | |
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| Smells |
Jan 4, 2007 11:59 pm
950 Views |  | I love nice smells. Some really bring me back to my past. I like vanilla and flower smells, but also the smell of the sea and the trees. What smell do you like most? |
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4 Comments | |
| POLITICALLY CORRECT |
Jan 4, 2007 2:38 am
775 Views |  | Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole,
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked
stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops,
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him.
And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football; someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
but you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might....
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere, even you.
So here is that gift, it's priced beyond worth.
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth. |
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| Photography |
Jan 3, 2007 5:18 am
772 Views |  | I joined a photography course a few months ago. I only had like 5 lessons, but there are 3 weeks in between every lesson so I am able to do the assignments.
The course leader is a professional photographer, so the assignments aren't that easy. Not as easy as I thought they would be though. At first I wanted to join a course at a community college near my home, since a former co-worker booked great progress with it. But it was overbooked, so this current course was a great alternative. But as it turned out, I believe it's a course way passed the 'Dummy' level, but so far I'm doing Ok, without getting a good grasp of all the technical mumbo jumbo. I need to do everything on talent and ask the rest to my fellow course members.
The new assignment is pretty difficult though. It looks simple, but I have to watch light, distance, spot measurements and more mumbo jumbo. And that makes the assignment less fun as I thought it would be. And there is also the additional fact that I need to make a portrait of two different people. I don't know that many people, well except family, but they are not in the mood to help me out. So I have to see how I will handle that.
But are there any volunteers? |
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| Pretending |
Jan 1, 2007 6:33 am
Mood: disappointed, 791 Views | | Lets us pretend here dear friends. Pretending that I just arrived home from a great New Years party, body filled with a warm buzz of alcohol and compliments, laughter and joy. Let us pretend I met the girl of my dreams there and danced with her. She loved my jokes, she loved the way I looked. Lets us pretend I walked her home and got a long awaited and deep passionate kiss when I left her at her doorstep, leaving me blind of joy and my stomach filled with butterflies. Lets all pretend this and forget the night I actually had. I was with two friends and the parents of one of my friends. Don't get me wrong.. it was nice. We talked, had some drinks, some nice food and we had fireworks. Ok lets leave out the tiny part in which it rained so hard that all the fireworks, or most of it got wet. So it was ok. I am not complaining. But I do miss my dream. It is making me sad.. am I just too old? Am I just too nice? I don't know. | |
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0 Comments | |
| Four cans |
Dec 27, 2006 5:09 am
757 Views | A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" | |
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| The Night Before Christmas |
Dec 23, 2006 5:27 am
725 Views | Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN! On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONNER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around, Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly, That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"
By Clement Clarke Moore | |
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| I'm broke |
Dec 20, 2006 5:51 am
819 Views | A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!"
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." | |
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2 Comments | |
| Ever wondered... |
Dec 18, 2006 5:54 am
797 Views | Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
/////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
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Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the heck was I thinking?"
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Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
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How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
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We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
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I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
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Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep | |
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3 Comments | |
| Christmas dinner |
Dec 14, 2006 2:19 am
756 Views | I survived it. I survived the Christmas party at the company I work for and to my own surprise, I did like it. The food was basically the same, much to my fears. But they must have been listening to my thoughts, because this time the turkey tasted a lot better and the bitter heart couldn't be found anywhere anymore, much to my likeness  I also had deer, for the first time, and I liked it. Sorry Bambi. I had veggies like onions and carrots. I had shrimp and and shrimp with a coating. And the best was yet to come. The ice cake of last year was replaced by a mini ice buffet. Some was ice, but there was also a berry pie, chocolate mousse, a pie with figs (oh I loved that one), so yoghurt and ofcourse the ice, but with a caramel heart. My tummy was aching when I left, but in a good way.
The best surprise came from my boss. He told us that we'll be going to a European city for a weekend, because next year it will be the 'something, something' (I wasn't paying attention, because I was still enjoying my meal) celebration. And I can bring a partner. All I do now is to find a partner
So all in all it was a nice night and the boss made some jokes about me because I kept eating while he held his speech. But it was meant well, so I don't mind Every company needs a clown Right? | |
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