| How do these people survive? |
Jun 17, 2006 3:07 am
Mood: amused, 965 Views | ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the
teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with
just a few items and the lady behind me put her
things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very
quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they
kept asking for a credit card number, so she was
using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was
none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine
paper," the secretary told her. With that, the
intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the
emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl
and he should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency! | |
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1 comment | |
| This makes you think |
Jun 12, 2006 12:35 pm
919 Views | If the population of the Earth was reduced to that of a small town with
100 people, it would look something like this:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 Americans (northern and southern)
8 Africans
52 women
48 men
89 heterosexuals
11 homosexuals
6 people would own 59% of the whole world wealth and all of them will be from the United States of America
80 would have bad living conditions
70 would be uneducated
50 underfed
1 would die
2 would be born
1 would have a computer
1 (only one) will have higher education
When you look at the wor ld from this point of view, you can see there is a real need for solidarity, understanding, patience and education.
Also think about the following..
This morning, if you woke up healthy, then you are happier than the 1 million people that will not survive next week.
If you never suffered a war, the loneliness of the jail cell, the agony of torture, or hunger,
you are happier than 500 million people in the world.
If you can enter into a church (mosque) without fear of jail or death, you are happier then 3 million people in the world.
If there is a food in your fridge, you have shoes and clothes, you have bed and a roof, you are richer then 75% of the people in the world.
If you have bank account, money in your wallet and some coins in the money-box, you belong to the 8% of the people on the world, who are well-to-do.
If you read this you are three times blessed because:
1. somebody just thought of you.
2. you don't belong to the 200 million people that cannot read.
3. and... you have a computer!
As somebody once said:
"- work as if you don't need money,
- love as if you've never been hurt,
- dance, as if nobody can see you,
- sing, as if no one can hear,
- live, as if the Earth was a heaven." | |
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0 Comments | |
| Thoughts on Sex |
Jun 6, 2006 1:22 pm
Mood: amused, 919 Views | -"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
-"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
-"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
-"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
-"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
-"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
-"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
-"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)
-"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
-"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
-"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
-"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
-"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
-"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
-"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
-"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
-" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
-" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
-" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns | |
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1 comment | |
| cute |
Jun 5, 2006 3:43 am
Mood: amused, 939 Views | I thought this one was cute and funny, so I hope you enjoy it too 
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS .
This one is for everyone who ...
a) has kids,
b) had kids,
c) was a kid,
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?" | |
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2 Comments | |
| Today |
Jun 5, 2006 1:01 am
Mood: content, 869 Views | | I have a day off work today. Yay! And they predict hot weather for the coming week, so I am happy I already didn't do a lot this weekend, except for relaxing, so I am having a good time I hope you are having a good time too! | |
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2 Comments | |
| Motherly love |
May 30, 2006 11:24 am
Mood: amused, 888 Views | A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I Leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way Out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into
someone's day, He went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd pay for her things, too." | |
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2 Comments | |
| Kiss me |
May 29, 2006 7:16 am
Mood: melancholy, 911 Views | Once upon a time I was in love with a american girl. It wasn't my plan, but yet it happened. I was a huge X-Files fan back then and had some nice collectibles to offer and she was one of the people who reacted on my ad. She bought something and made a comment about my last name, since it was very unusual in her eyes and thus a new friendship was born.
Months later I offered to meet her in person. It would be my first trip to the States and in a plane. So I was pretty scared during my trip to Denver and from there to Laramie, Wyoming. But luckily she was waiting there for me and the two weeks were great. At a certain point I fell in love with her and I wanted to kiss her, but I was afraid. At the hotel radio the song 'Kiss me' by Sixpence none the richer was playing. I drank tequila. She said she could drink 6 shots, so I tried 8. I didn't feel anything and I was hoping I would have the guts to kiss her, but alcohol doesn't do a lot with me. Except for making me sick and that, my dear audience, I did feel. I had to run to the bathroom and the whole night the room was spinning like I never experienced before. So in the end I didn't kiss her and only got sick. So no alcohol for me anymore
But the trip ended well though, so for a little while me and her lived happily every after. | |
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1 comment | |
| Confessions |
May 28, 2006 11:16 am
Mood: amused, 1013 Views | A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The
boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again" | |
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3 Comments | |
| A little quiz |
May 26, 2006 3:35 am
Mood: curious, 922 Views | Ok here goes
1. Tell me something obvious about you.
I am a guy
2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
Hmm.. probably a lot, but for starters I am living in Holland and I am 36 and I have 2 cats
3. What is your biggest fear?
Sharks and spiders and being in crowded places with people I don't know
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
That depends on my mood of that day, so i can go either way
5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
Friendship
6. What is your most treasured possession?
The drawings and gifts from my american family
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
Complain and feeling sorry for myself
8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know.
Hehe I don't think you know anything
9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.
That I like it But also that I am faithful
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
Hmm..I have a hard time lying, but I am sure I used white lies too
11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
Whale watching
12. Are you the jealous type?
Yes I can be
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
Place would be Newport,Oregon because of memories and the sea
Person would be Sabrina since she is like a daughter to me
Thing would be anything candy with peanut butter in it and BBQ sauce
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
I think many people have done nice things for me over the year, but I would say sticking with me while I was a pain in the ass sometimes
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
Quit my job and travel to different countries, away from the rain we are having now
16. When was the last time you cried?
A few weeks ago I think, because things at work are tough and I felt useless
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
Hmm.. trick question
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
No
19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk.
Nothing much. I just talk a lot and say to my friends how much I like them. I don't do embarrassing things since my mind still works while drunk
20. If you post this in your journal would you like me to answer it?
Well yeah | |
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1 comment | |
| A day off |
May 25, 2006 3:18 am
Mood: happy, 886 Views | Here in Holland we have a free day today and it is called Hemelvaartsdag, which is roughly translated in Heaven Goings Day. No, no I am not going to Heaven just yet, but it is a remembrance of the resurrection of Jesus. Yes Holland is a religious country, even though many isn't visible to the public eye. People celebrate a lot of things in the private of their own homes. It seems a lot here is done behind closed curtains. Many people here are focused towards their own little group friends and family and not always open towards others.
But anyways... Heavens Going Day means a day off from work and that's why I am here typing and wondering what to do next Gosh, I am not even used to relaxing anymore and doing nothing I still have a lot to learn | |
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1 comment | |
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