| A simple riddle |
Nov 7, 2006 9:40 am
971 Views | A riddle for the day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below!
The answer is: "A Last Name."
You didn't really think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you !! | |
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3 Comments | |
| The list |
Oct 24, 2006 6:06 am
897 Views | My co-worker has send me a list. He and I share the same dating-site, but we don't share the same success rate. So I asked him what made him different then me. He is a published writer in Holland. It hasn't made him rich or overly famous, but it did create a decent fan base. I read his book and I wanted to say to him that I didn't like it because secretly I also wanted to have written a published book, but I actually liked it. So there it is and I won't repeat it again.
But he has success with the ladies, so I asked for his mails and I got them (isn't he nice?). So don't be surprised if one or more lucky ladies will get a mail from me based on his success rate, secretly hoping that it also works for me. So be nice, be gentle. I am just a hopeless romantic with lots of dreams 
Oh and if it does bring me success, I will treat my co-worker on a dinner to thank him. This goes without saying. | |
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1 comment | |
| First Lady Hillary Clinton... |
Oct 20, 2006 2:33 am
837 Views | First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having \bsexo?\b with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?." | |
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| Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums |
Oct 17, 2006 4:43 am
851 Views | Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,
five or six at a time,
on a hill,
in the fog.
If the shoe fits,
get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait
will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court,
you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty | |
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| Seize the day |
Oct 5, 2006 1:54 am
832 Views | Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
I never see my old friends face,
is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today. | |
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| EVERYONE NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH |
Oct 4, 2006 1:08 am
800 Views | Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
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*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced
"Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".
No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and so were half of
the passengers. | |
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| Selfish act |
Sep 29, 2006 7:21 am
889 Views | Someone jumped in front of the train. With a big splash a life ended. Much to the relieve of the suicidal person, much to the annoyance of the people inside that train and the driver.
I was in the train behind it I'm guessing because halfway the conductor told us that we wouldn't go any further then Abcoude. My work is in Amsterdam Duivendrecht, so you can imagine my worry. Luckily a new train arrived to pick us all up. It was the last train to Amsterdam CS, so it was crowded like a can of sardines. But I was happy - I wouldn't be arriving too late at work.
I think suicide is a selfish act. No train could ride out anymore because the police ordered so. So a lot of people did arrive too late at work. I understand the feeling of quiting life. I had that many times before myself (no this is not a cry for help), but I won't do it. I won't commit suicide. Life is tough, life is sad, life is depressing, but to every bad there's also a good and every day is a new day to look for the good. And I keep on believing that and I hope many will follow. | |
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2 Comments | |
| Cracked pots |
Sep 28, 2006 12:25 am
815 Views | An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For
a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them." "For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the
table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path! | |
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| The Organ |
Sep 23, 2006 7:04 am
866 Views | Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter." | |
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| Trained walker |
Sep 18, 2006 2:47 am
852 Views | I am not athletic or anything similar, but I do like to walk. Of course I am not trained and neither are my feet: they love to get all blistered up when I walk for more then a hour or 2. But usually I don't walk that much, so they are still grateful to me. But sometimes I do try to walk from the train to my work. It's about 20 minutes and feels great so early in the morning. In my head I can still annoy my co-workers without really bothering them or think about the past weekend or nights. It's so relaxing.
This morning the metro wasn't there. Over the weekend the metro-working-people had to fix something and they weren't finished. So this morning a lot of people were standing on the platform waiting for something which didn't come. And finally the speakers told everyone that we could take the buses instead. Well the 'buses' was just one bus and there were too many people for the poor thing. So I decided to walk. I turned out well that I was a 'trained' walker | |
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1 comment | |
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