| Pretending |
Jan 1, 2007 6:33 am
Mood: disappointed, 857 Views | | Lets us pretend here dear friends. Pretending that I just arrived home from a great New Years party, body filled with a warm buzz of alcohol and compliments, laughter and joy. Let us pretend I met the girl of my dreams there and danced with her. She loved my jokes, she loved the way I looked. Lets us pretend I walked her home and got a long awaited and deep passionate kiss when I left her at her doorstep, leaving me blind of joy and my stomach filled with butterflies. Lets all pretend this and forget the night I actually had. I was with two friends and the parents of one of my friends. Don't get me wrong.. it was nice. We talked, had some drinks, some nice food and we had fireworks. Ok lets leave out the tiny part in which it rained so hard that all the fireworks, or most of it got wet. So it was ok. I am not complaining. But I do miss my dream. It is making me sad.. am I just too old? Am I just too nice? I don't know. | |
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| Four cans |
Dec 27, 2006 5:09 am
820 Views | A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" | |
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| The Night Before Christmas |
Dec 23, 2006 5:27 am
791 Views | Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN! On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONNER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around, Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly, That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"
By Clement Clarke Moore | |
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| I'm broke |
Dec 20, 2006 5:51 am
891 Views | A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!"
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." | |
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2 Comments | |
| Ever wondered... |
Dec 18, 2006 5:54 am
871 Views | Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
/////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
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Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the heck was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
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How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
-------------------------------------------------
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
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We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
-------------------------------------------------
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
-------------------------------------------------
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep | |
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3 Comments | |
| Christmas dinner |
Dec 14, 2006 2:19 am
829 Views | I survived it. I survived the Christmas party at the company I work for and to my own surprise, I did like it. The food was basically the same, much to my fears. But they must have been listening to my thoughts, because this time the turkey tasted a lot better and the bitter heart couldn't be found anywhere anymore, much to my likeness  I also had deer, for the first time, and I liked it. Sorry Bambi. I had veggies like onions and carrots. I had shrimp and and shrimp with a coating. And the best was yet to come. The ice cake of last year was replaced by a mini ice buffet. Some was ice, but there was also a berry pie, chocolate mousse, a pie with figs (oh I loved that one), so yoghurt and ofcourse the ice, but with a caramel heart. My tummy was aching when I left, but in a good way.
The best surprise came from my boss. He told us that we'll be going to a European city for a weekend, because next year it will be the 'something, something' (I wasn't paying attention, because I was still enjoying my meal) celebration. And I can bring a partner. All I do now is to find a partner
So all in all it was a nice night and the boss made some jokes about me because I kept eating while he held his speech. But it was meant well, so I don't mind Every company needs a clown Right? | |
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| Are we there yet? |
Dec 12, 2006 5:19 am
816 Views | I think the busy period has left us at work. I am listening to some Christmas songs and dream away of far away places with snow, a nice and warm fireplace, some wine heating in the licking flames, a cozy chair and ofcourse the songs I'm hearing right now.
'Santa Baby', sings Madonna in my left ear.
Music can really touch my soul. I usually have a hard time relaxing, but with some nice tunes in my ears I drift away.
Just 3 hours left and I can go home again. Yay!! | |
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| It's that time again |
Dec 6, 2006 11:59 pm
832 Views | It's the season to be jolly, tra-la-lalalaaa' Well you know how the rest goes. But it's right.. the Christmas season has started again. I must honestly say that I'm not in a Christmas mood yet. But that is probably because the last couple of months the weather has basically lost it's way. Times of cold tuned into times of heat, times of snow turned into times of rain, the flowers and the butterflies still think it's summer, while it's clearly not. So a lot of things have changed and this also happened with my Christmas feeling. I need snow and people gently smiling to eachother. But I am missing all that. So as of today I decided to play Christmas songs on my computer, so I still have a personal Christmas.
What are your plans for Christmas this year? | |
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| Eight words with 2 meanings |
Dec 6, 2006 3:20 am
846 Views | Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULEN CE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . ... They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. | |
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1 comment | |
| Golf |
Nov 28, 2006 4:59 am
838 Views | A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around,
he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession.
I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't," he responded.
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath while his sides ached and his face turned bright red.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H.. so I'm still a hole behind you. | |
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