| A salesman .......... |
Jun 19, 2008 12:59 pm
445 Views | A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' 
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn on the end. 
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Grace  | |
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| That`s What Friends Are For...... |
Jun 19, 2008 2:58 am
415 Views | When it comes to friendship,
here's what happens..
If a woman doesn't come home to her husband one night,
and the next day she tells him she slept over at a friend's house,
the man calls his wife's 10 best friends 
---- and none of them know anything about it.
If a man doesn't come home to his wife one night,
and the next day he tells her he slept over at a friend's house,
she calls her husband's 10 best friends and 
---- eight of them say he did sleep over,,
and two claim he's still there.... 
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Soooooooo true 
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| Are you qualified?????? |
Jun 17, 2008 5:31 am
486 Views | A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
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| Irish Birth control ....................................... |
Jun 17, 2008 5:29 am
489 Views | Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty
The Father said, "Top O the mornin'to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied,"Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They then parted ways. Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, " Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."
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| Impossible...... |
Jun 16, 2008 5:00 am
451 Views | An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "Never better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story...I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a tigress in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the tigress and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The tigress drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that tigress."
"Exactly." says the doctor.
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| A Spanish Delicacy!!!!! |
Jun 13, 2008 4:25 am
508 Views | An American touring Spain stopped at
a local restaurant following a day of
sightseeing. While sipping his sangria,
he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" 
The American, though momentarily daunted, said,
"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" 
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed
his order, and then that evening he was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents
of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" 
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." 
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Have a nice weekend all of you
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| Question!!!!!!!!! |
Jun 12, 2008 11:52 am
521 Views | Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her sailor boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
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A: One is bored over a man, the other is a man overboard.
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| Husbands care: Can we come back tomorrow? |
Jun 12, 2008 11:50 am
487 Views | A couple were having marital problems. They decided together to do the right thing and they contacted a marriage guidance counsellor.
Several visits followed when lots of questions were asked and lots of listening carried out. Eventually the the counsellor felt that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the women and asking her to stand up he gave her a huge cuddle.
He turned to the husband man and said, 'This is what your wife needs, at least once every day.'
The husband frowned, considered what had been said for a moment, then replied, 'Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?'
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| Not easy to be a good gardener!!! |
Jun 10, 2008 11:54 am
615 Views | A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No...she replied..... "but my cucumbers are enormous!" 
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| How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage? |
Jun 9, 2008 4:19 am
555 Views | Love: when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust: when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage: when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
Love: when intercourse is called making love.
Lust: all other times.
Marriage: what's intercourse?
Love: when you argue over how many children to have.
Lust: when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage: when you argue over money.
Love: when you share everything you own.
Lust: when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
Marriage: when the bank owns everything.
Love: when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust: when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage: what's a climax?
Love: when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".
Lust: when you phone each other just to organize sex.
Marriage: when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
Love: when you write poems about your partner.
Lust: when all you write is your phone number.
Marriage: when all you write is cheques.
Love: when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
Lust: when you couldn't give a damn.
Marriage: when your only concern is what's on TV.
Love: when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
Lust: when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
Marriage: when your farewell is silent.
Love: when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust: when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
Marriage: when you never see each other awake.
Love: when your heart flutters everytime you see them.
Lust: when your groin twitches everytime you see them.
Marriage: when your wallet empties everytime you see them.
Love: when nobody else matters.
Lust: when nobody else knows.
Marriage: when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
Love: when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust: when it's just the same mushy old crap.
Marriage: when you never listen to music.
Love: when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust: when staying together is something you try not to thinkabout.
Marriage: when just getting through today is your only thought.
Love: when you're interested in everything your partner does.
Lust: when you're only interested in one thing.
Marriage: when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.
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You decide about yourself
Grace  | |
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